The Dementia Diary

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The Quick Catch Up…..

on March 4, 2012

For 5 days I didn’t go to see F i L.  This was mostly because I have had a depressive episode, but partly because I’m so flipping tired.

This week husband did the visiting duty.  F i L kept asking how he had upset me because I wasn’t there.  I’ve made a rod for my own back there I think, having visited every day for 18 months, but he just couldn’t accept that I just wasn’t there because I have other things in my life apart from him.

One evening while husband was there No. 1 son phoned.

“Oh yes son.  I’m jogging along nicely.  Everything’s fine.”

Husband was not amused.  He had just listened to half an hour of how awful F i L’s life is, how bad his memory is, how he hasn’t got any friends, and there he was telling one of his other 2 sons how marvellous life is!

Husband let him know what he thought.

“We’re lumbered!  In the nicest possible sense we ARE lumbered and part of the reason is because YOU won’t tell No. 1 and No. 3 sons how you really feel and what’s really going on.”

“Well it wouldn’t make a difference.  I never see them.”

“Because you keep telling them you’re fine!  They think if you’re ok they don’t have to bother, then we’re lumbered.  We can’t carry on like this Dad.  It’s too much for us.”

They had a heart to heart and agreed that, because the other son’s are no help, we’re going to have to hire help in at F i L’s expense.


So, after this discussion, husband and I are now only visiting every other day.  I went with husband on the last visit and already F i L is getting worked up and anxious.  He kept asking about his bank accounts, his pension and his insurance policies.  He doesn’t understand any of them and those are his go to questions when he gets worried.  When he thought I was getting annoyed (we were talking about the lack of support from the other sons)  he said to me, in a very patronising manner

“We’re going to keep this [conversation] nice and easy aren’t we?”

“I’m tired and I’m irritable, and that is because I have been to see you every day for 18 months, whereas 2 of your sons can’t be bothered.  No. 1 son says you live too far away now.  It’s 8 minutes extra on his journey.  No. 3 son lives 12 minutes away and his wife works 2 days per week.  He has no excuse to not visit.  They both say that they are too busy because they are doing things with their children.  Where are my children now?  I have to visit you every day so I don’t have the luxury of being busy with my children.”

I mustered up a smile and left the room to find his insurance, pension and bank documents so that we could explain them again for the hundredth time. (You have house/pet/boiler insurance.  You have 22 bank accounts / 8 savings accounts all with bundles of cash in.  You have a government and works pension).  He understood (for that moment at least) because when I came back with the papers husband and F i L were talking about the help he can hire in.    F i L can easily afford some help, that was part of the reason he moved, so that he could downsize house and have money in the bank to make his life more comfortable.  However we have big concerns that when it comes down to actually meeting the Care staff’s Manager to discuss his needs he going to say that it’s too expensive and he can’t afford it.

“If he does that,” said husband “I might just punch him in the head!”


4 responses to “The Quick Catch Up…..

  1. sweetopiagirl says:

    Reblogged this on UNIQUE GREETING CAKES.

  2. frangipani says:

    My heart goes out to you. This is such a hard time. If it’s any consolation, I’ve been told that when it gets worse, it gets better. Take care of yourself.

  3. My heart also goes out to you. My dear sweet wife went through hell (and would do it again and again) for her dad in his last days. I lost count of the times I teared up, watching her curl up by his side in the hospital bed they had installed in the living room. She sang, fed and changed him, let him know, constantly, how much she loved him. We’d only just started dating during her dad’s last days, but her actions cemented in me then what kind of person she was. I’ll always regret not having the chance to know the man who helped create such a wonderful, loving person.

    • FundeMental says:

      It’s a hideous illness. It’s robbed husband of his father and left us caring for a man-child. The sad thing is, at the stage he’s at, he knows that there is something wrong with him and he’s scared by this.
      We may come across as hard from time to time but this is the space for me to vent our frustrations so that we can give him the care he deserves.


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